Changing Relationships with Children: Staying Connected

Having children can make two people feel closer than they could have ever imaged.  It can also put strains on a marriage and other key relationships that can cause that sense of closeness to radically change or even disintegrate.

Often, after having children, couples find they begin to feel disconnected.  It happens to the best of relationships.  The feelings is usually more intense when your kids are young, but it can continue as they get older as well.  The physical, emotional, mental and spiritual stress of parenting can be extremely taxing.  It is really important to be aware when it starts to happen, but it is more likely to happen, than not. If you address the issues early on and continue to do so you have a better chance at resolving them.  It is easy to become two ships passing in the night. It is common for couples to wake up one morning after the storm has passed, children are a little older and ask, “Who are you and how did we get to this point.”

A good starting point is to remember why you were close to your partner to begin with.  What were they passionate about, what did you two do together before children? Take a look at your albums together before children to remember those moments.

Make your relationship a priority. Devote energy and time to the relationship. A marriage is a living, breathing organism. It needs time, space, love and attention to stay intact.  If it’s not on your radar or is not a priority, it will fall apart, just like anything that is neglected.

Schedule and keep regular dates. Ideally you should be having a “date” at least every two weeks. Three to four hours of time for the two of you to connect, talk and just be alone together. You can have some of your dates at home in the evening, but I recommend you ban any conversation having to do with kids or money. Also save movie watching for another night, since it keeps you from engaging in conversation.

Nurture yourself first, so you feel like giving to your partner. If neither of you is making your self-care a priority, you won’t feel like nurturing the relationship. Schedule alone time for self-renewal just like you would schedule a doctor’s appointment.

Touch each other every day. Hugs and kisses, gentle arm touches, holding hands are all thoughtful and easy ways to stay physically and emotionally connected to your partner.

Create a bedroom that celebrates your marriage.  You should have photos of you two up in the bedroom, special photos, candles or anything else that celebrates your partnership. Try to have your bedroom a “toy-free” zone.

Get support, sooner than later. Don’t wait until things get really bad to get the support of a therapist. If your partner is unwilling to go to marriage counseling, go by yourself.

Develop some ground rules or learn some tools for communicating with your partner. Relationship work can be challenging, and many of us don’t have strong models to follow. In my marriage, one of our reminders to each other is “do you want to be right or be in relationship?”  I also often resort to “quiet breaks” when I feel like I’ve reached my limit and about to blow.  It’s always better to go this route than to say things you may later regret. I also know that my partner shuts down and withdraws when my voice escalates, so I try to be mindful of that.

Connect every day for at least ten minutes. At the end of each day, share your high and low moment of the day.

Being close and connected is not only healthy for you and your partner’s overall well-being, it’s integral to your child’s as well. Most of what we learn about relationships we learned from our parents. Watch your child’s face the next time you and your husband have a loving exchange-this is a teaching opportunity and they’re taking notes.

Becoming a parent will also have an effect on all key relationships in your life. Be open to letting your relationships evolve: making new friends, letting old friends morph, reaching out to connect with family in new ways, stretching and getting involved with new circles of friends and finding new ways to connect with your partner.

It all goes back to the question: what relationships feed me (and which ones drain me), and what do I need to feel nurtured and supported to live my best life?

Amoreena Berg, MFT

Self-Renewal Tip of the Week- Listen to Your Body

Here is a little tip for renewing yourself this weekend.  Our bodies do talk to us, just most of us choose to not listen or ignore what it is saying.  You can’t ignore your body, it will just get louder eventually so do yourself a favor and listen to the whispers.

Set aside ten minutes in the early morning or evening for peace and quiet.  Lie down in a comfortable space.  Take some deep breaths.  Be still for a few minutes, then ask your body, how do you feel; what do you need?

What comes up? Are you craving movement/exercise? More sleep or rest? Are you hydrated? How is your energy level? Are you depressed or anxious or have you been having mood swings? How do your feet feel? Your teeth and gums? Think about your neck and shoulders?

Take note of how you feel and make it a priority to address your physical needs. Do you need to get a massage or see a chiropractor? Make an appointment for a general check-up or for your annual Pap smear or mammogram? Get support for healthier eating that meets your body’s needs ( maybe easing off the sugar, starting a multivitamin or adding more green leafy veggies, protein or fiber to your diet )? Do you need new shoes? More physical activity? Make it a priority to listen to and respond to your body each day for a week.  The more you check in with how you’re feeling, the more attuned you’ll become to your physical needs.

Amoreena Berg, MFT

Forgiveness, Why it is so Powerful

Forgiveness, why it is so powerful and how do we do it?

Mustering up genuine compassion for those who have wronged us, instead of allowing anger toward them to eat away at us, is the course of action recommended by most psychologists. Forgiveness does not mean having to have a future relationship with that person or group of people. It also does not mean one forgets or condones what has happened, it just means one releases the negative feelings you have about the situation and you move on with your life. If we don’t forgive we just hurt ourselves in the end either physically, mentally, or emotionally. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.  Implementing forgiveness into our lives is a process, but it also can be rather easy.

Most people are doing the best they can with what they have to work with in that moment.  It is easy to judge others from a different position and blame them for making choices you don’t agree with. However, until you are in their shoes, lived their lives, you can’t possibly understand what conditions they are operating from.  By looking at it from a different perspective you can realize that it isn’t the person that is bad, but a program running through them.  But why it is such a big deal to let go of our negative feelings?

Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness can lead to:

• Healthier relationships
• Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
• Less anxiety, stress and hostility
• Lower blood pressure
• Fewer symptoms of depression
• Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse

If you’re unforgiving, you might pay the price repeatedly by bringing anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experiences. Your life might become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can’t enjoy the present. You might become depressed or anxious. You might feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you’re at odds with your spiritual beliefs. You might lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others.

So how do we forgive?

Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. To begin, you might:

• Consider the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time
• Reflect on the facts of the situation, how you’ve reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being
• When you’re ready, actively choose to forgive the person who’s offended you
• Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life

As you let go of grudges, you’ll no longer define your life by how you’ve been hurt. You might even find compassion and understanding.

What I find useful for my clients is to write out this statement:

I have not forgiven, _________, for __________________________________.

Part 2:

I have forgiven ___________, and I forgive myself for ______________________.

If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. This isn’t always the case, however. Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. Still, forgiveness is possible — even if reconciliation isn’t. You don’t need to share this with anyone but yourself.  Forgiveness is for yourself.  Try it, you will be amazed how much lighter and at peace you will feel.

Amoreena Berg, MFT

Do Perfect Families Exist?

Do perfect families exist and what what do they look like?  This of course is a rhetorical question and there just is no such thing as a perfect family.  The issue is more of what our definition is of “perfect” to each of us and if that definition is realistic or not.

As we all know there are many types of families and they all work in one way or another. This part really isn’t the point of this entry. Currently, 30 percent of American families are now headed by single parents, either divorced, widowed, or never married. Some children live in foster families; others live in step-families or in gay and lesbian families. In more than two thirds of families, both parents work outside the home.

Here are a few myths and one thing I would like to normalize for everyone including my clients.

Myth: Family Harmony Is The Rule, Not The Exception

Although family life is often romanticized, it has always been filled with conflicts and tension. Difficulties between spouses are commonplace, with disagreements arising over issues ranging from how the children should be raised to how the family finances should be budgeted. Husbands and wives also often struggle with their inability to sustain romantic infatuation beyond the first few years of their marriage, thus having to learn to maintain a relationship in which partnership and companionship may become more important than passionate love.

Parent-children conflicts are commonplace too. As parents assert their authority, and children try to assert their autonomy appropriately, strife is inevitable.

While we often expect families to be above the chaos that exists in the rest of society, that outlook places unrealistic expectations upon the family. In the real world, families are not always a haven, since they, too, can be filled with conflict. Although stress and disagreements are common, they can be destructive to families, especially when conflict gets out of hand. Families are under constant stress, being pushed and pulled from many directions, often without the support systems of extended families that may have existed in the past.

MYTH: The Stability of A Family Is A Measure of Its Success

Change is a part of life. Death, illness, physical separation, financial strains, divorce . . . these are some of the events families have to adjust to. Consequently, stability shouldn’t be the only measure of a family’s success. Many families function quite well, despite frequent disruptions. In fact, one important measure of a family’s success is its ability to adjust to change. Daily life is full of stresses that constantly demand accommodation from family members.

MYTH: Parents Control Their Children’s Fate

In reality, parents cannot determine how their children will turn out. Inevitably, children assert their autonomy, creating a niche for themselves separate from their parents. At the same time, many factors external to both the child and family can influence the way a child develops.

Even within the same family there can be tremendous individual variations among siblings in intelligence, temperament, mood, and sociability. Yet despite these differences, parents are responsible for imparting to each child a sense of being loved and accepted, for helping each child to succeed at various developmental tasks, and for socializing each child into respecting the rules and accepting the responsibilities society imposes. These are indeed awesome tasks.

Some parents perceive themselves as having total responsibility for their children’s fate. This belief places a heavy and unrealistic emotional burden on them as well as their youngsters. If the children are having problems, they often feel a sense of failure; likewise, the children feel as though they have let their family down if they do not live up to their parents’ expectations. In essence, parents can influence and shape but cannot control their children’s lives.

We each bring different baggage to the table…and yes, we ALL have baggage.  Those people that think they don’t are the ones I am most concerned about.  We are attracted to one another because there is a common dynamic with our family of origin unless we have done extensive work on ourselves and move past those patterns.  This doesn’t mean it is a bad thing, it just is how we are attracted to each other.  We feel chemistry and passion with someone that strikes a cord with us somewhere deep down. The work is to recognize those dynamics that aren’t working for you and become more aware of them.  Being present in the moment is where you can start and try identifying where those past feelings could have occurred.  Generally fights between partners aren’t even about each other but about past wounds and this is where it gets complicated.

I encourage therapy or group process work to push through these issues.  If you ignore them they will only build and get deeper.  Reading and educating yourself on family dynamics is also a helpful tool.  It is most helpful to know that no one escapes this in life and we all have things to work through in our relationships…some just have is easier than others…but that is a relative term.

Amoreena Berg, MFT

Oakland, CA

Depression, S, Or Just A Funk?

The holidays are over, and that means you’re either jumping for joy because you’re finally rid of the stress, extended family and expectations of the season, or you’re possibly sinking into a case of the post-festivity blues. While feeling a bit of a let-down after a major event is normal, if your mood has turned into a general “funk” or feelings of depression that you just can’t shake, you’re not alone. From Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) to depression, the winter blues are more common than you think.

Even though the holidays are over along with most of its related stress, how common is depression right now?

Most people are getting back to the monotony of daily life after the high octane holidays, so feeling blue or holiday let-down are common experiences. The most common form of depression that spikes from November through spring is the subtype that has a seasonal onset, commonly called Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Many people I know talk about being in a “funk”. Is that a state of depression too?

To be human is to experience an array of different emotions. We can feel upbeat and hopeful, cool and unconcerned, frustrated or in a funk in a given day, even in a given moment. It’s important to remember that how long a funk lasts and its intensity will help determine if you’re dealing with a true clinical condition. If your funk lasts several weeks, it’s a good idea to contact a professional and get things checked out medically and psychologically. Remember, there are medical conditions that can look like depression (hypothyroidism, anemia).

And what exactly is SAD? And how common is that?

It’s important to clarify what SAD really is. It’s a Major Depressive Disorder with a seasonal onset. SAD affects millions worldwide, primarily those living in higher latitudes from the equator and generally affects women more than men. Research reports approximately 3% of children experience SAD, with girls having a higher rate of the disorder than boys. Interestingly, SAD has existed for more than 150 years, but was only recognized as a disorder in the early 1980s. Remember, SAD is a type of Major Depression. The difference though, is that symptoms resolve each spring and tend to occur again in late fall.

So how can we tell the difference between being in a funk, SAD and being depressed?

Again words like “chronicity” (the time or duration of your symptoms) and “pervasiveness” (if your symptoms cut across your daily life from morning to evening, at work, at home, etc.) and “intensity” (mild, moderate, severe) will help determine if you are living with a clinical disorder or just moving through a blue phase. In this day of apps, tech devices and portable phones, you can track your daily moods to get a sense of what you’re experiencing each day.

Is it possible that some people walk around in any one of these states and don’t even know it?

Simply said, yes. The only world we know is the one we live in. That’s why knowledge is power. I’ve worked with many individuals who didn’t realize they were living with a mood disorder. If you read about depression and measure it against your own experiences, you may discover that you have a real medical condition. And with that awareness comes the hope that a healthier, more uplifting life awaits you.

There are certainly days when all of us just want to stay in our pajamas and watch TV all day. How long before we know that’s a problem?

A couple of days is not a big deal. More than that should raise some eyebrows. Moving onto a week is likely to signal some alarms. And longer than 10 days to two weeks tips the scale that something more serious is going on. Remember, being able to shake off a sad, blue or depressed state is not a testimony of one’s merit or strength. It doesn’t signify that you’re weak or lazy or unable to “buck up” and be strong if you can’t “feel better”. Mood disorders are a real medical condition. Emerging out of a depression is like saying you can change your blue eyes to brown by just willing so.

Will any of these cases of the “blahs” tend to resolve themselves or do we always have to seek some sort of treatment?

I never think feelings just evaporate into thin air. We help them move on by feeling them and using problem solving techniques. If we don’t feel them and shove them aside, they find a way to come back, which forces the feeling-them-and-problem-solving issue back on the table! Give yourself some time to work through the bumps in life’s road,  but should you find yourself stuck on the shoulder, or unable to get back on the highway at all, that’s when you should consider reaching out for professional help.

There is a lot of talk–sometimes annoyingly so–about “getting happy”. Is happiness really a state we can will ourselves to?

Research shows that temperament has a great deal to do with positive thinking. And positive thinking is linked to happiness. So the “getting happy” trend does have grounding in scientific evidence. Some individuals think positively with ease, while others need to learn strategies that change how their negative patterns of thinking flow. These can be learned, so in essence, you can learn how to be happy. As for willing happiness, again, blues eyes brown. Will implies a magical forces can make it happen!

OK, how about treatments. What are the best ways to get us out of this depression, be it a funk or SAD? And can natural sunlight really “cure” SAD?

The key here is to learn what kind of depression you’re experiencing, and if it’s mild, moderate or severe. This is why getting a clinical diagnosis is vital. From there, you can determine what kind of treatments to pursue. For instance, if you have SAD you are dealing with a Major Depressive Disorder with a seasonal onset. If it is moderate to severe, you may want to go the traditional route with talk therapy and medication. In milder cases, trying alternative treatments like spending more time outdoors or in pools of indoor sunlight can help greatly. Research also shows that utilizing artificial bright light for Light Therapy (if natural sunshine is too far from reach) can reduce depressive symptoms. Dawn to Dusk Simulation, a computer program that mimics the rise and fall of the sun, has been shown to be as effective as Light Therapy. Another alternative research supports is Negative Ion Therapy (those cute little air cleaning gadgets), which appears to help to reduce the irritation and fatigue that comes with SAD. Of course, making sure to keep a set sleep schedule (no sleeping in or going to bed too early) and eating balanced meals (depressed individuals tend to crave sweets and starches) will help round out your well-being.

How about alternative treatments, like yoga and meditation? How effective do you really think eastern medicine is?

Eastern practices have long been associated as successful in reducing stress levels, improving immune system functioning and decreasing symptoms of depression. Western medicine likes to treat the disease, while Eastern philosophies likes to address the wholeness of a person. I borrow from both views, treating my depression with medication and talk therapy, but I also make use of light therapy, ion therapy and grabbing sunshine whenever I can. I also eat and sleep well, and look to find balance and harmony inside and outside of my body. I practice yoga or exercise just about every day, finding the meditative state is blissfully healing. But don’t just take my word for it. Research supports it too!

All of these cases of SAD and depression are probably more common than we think. Why do some people still have trouble admitting it to themselves, their friends/family or their doctor?

In our society, mental illness is still largely stigmatized. Depression, despite research showing that it’s a real medical illness, is often experienced as a character weakness in many people. So many keep their suffering cloistered away from others, sometimes even themselves. Information like this helps to get the message out that depression is nothing to be ashamed of and by doing so, can help many see that it IS common and treatable.

How is Technology Affecting Relationships?

This is a subject I hear about all the time in my practice.  It is a challenging time given that past generations never had to deal with these issues. When I was in college and dating in my twenties there was no texting and many people didn’t even own a cell phone.  Email was just starting when I was in college but no one really used it…we all thought it was funny and had no point.

Email, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, YouTube, Delicious, Digg, LinkedIn, blogs (of course), and scores of others—all part of the new and wonderful ways we can now connect with one another electronically, each with its own culture and unique set of rules. In one sense, the planet has never been more interconnected. And yet, this interconnectedness, while wonderful, hasn’t come without cost.

I find it is affecting people’s relationships with each other…intimate relationships, friendships, and business relationships.  I am finding families spending large amounts of time on computers, smartphones, and other electronic devices.

Even I struggle with the boundaries of these devices which is why I am writing about this.  Most of my business is done electronically…especially my photography business. Most of my advertising is done through social media, blogging, and websites.  It is an endless pit! My smartphone is truly amazing and sometimes I wonder how I lived without it! At the same time I wonder if life had a better quality to it because I wasn’t constantly connected and there wasn’t this sense of urgency to respond to every lead, text, and voicemail.  So how do you set boundaries with yourself and teach your children to do so as well. Us adults have a memory of how it used to be, but children and young adults do not.

We may enjoy online relationships using social media sites like Facebook or Twitter, for example, but the difference between these kinds of interactions and interactions with people in the physical world is clearly vast. As long as we expect no more from these online relationships than they can give, no good reason exists why we can’t enjoy the power of social media sites to connect us efficiently to people we’d otherwise not touch. The problem, however, comes when we find ourselves subtly substituting electronic relationships for physical ones or mistaking our electronic relationships for physical ones. We may feel we’re connecting effectively with others via the Internet, but too much electronic-relating paradoxically engenders a sense of social isolation.

I’ve also observed people using electronic media to make confrontation easier and have seen more than one relationship falter as a result. People are often uncomfortable with face-to-face confrontation, so it’s easy to understand why they’d choose to use the Internet. Precisely because electronic media transmit emotion so poorly compared to in-person interaction, many view it as the perfect way to send difficult messages: it blocks us from registering the negative emotional responses such messages engender, which provides us the illusion we’re not really doing harm. Unfortunately, this also usually means we don’t transmit these messages with as much empathy, and often find ourselves sending a different message than we intended and breeding more confusion than we realize.

Going forward I am making it a rule of thumb to limit my email communications as much as possible to factual information only. If I need to work something out with someone that feels difficult, uncomfortable, or unpleasant, I make myself communicate in person. In-person interactions, though more difficult, are more likely to result in positive outcomes and provide opportunities for personal growth. Whenever I hear stories of romantic break-ups, firings, or even arguments going on electronically, I cringe. We find ourselves tempted to communicate that way because it feels easier—but the outcome is often worse.

The Internet is an amazing tool. But even as it’s shrunk the world and brought us closer together, it’s threatened to push us further apart. Like any useful tool, to make technology serve us well requires the exercise of good judgment. For whatever reason, the restraints that stop most of us from blurting out things in public we know we shouldn’t seem far weaker when our mode of communication is typing. Unfortunately, typed messages often wound even more gravely, while electronic messages of remorse paradoxically have little power to heal. Perhaps we just don’t think such messages have the same power to harm as when we we say them in person. Perhaps in the heat of the moment without another’s physical presence to hold us back, we just don’t care. Whatever the reason, it’s clearly far easier for us to be meaner to one another online. Let’s try not to be. Let’s try to connect to our loved ones more and put the cell phones off the dinner table, turn them off, and not feel like we need to respond to every beep, ring, and ping.

Be Creative

A common complaint I hear from my clients is that they don’t have the opportunity to express themselves creatively at work or even at home.  This can leave one feeling depressed, stagnant and undervalued.

Think of a time in your past when you felt most open to life, most passionate.  For me, dancing, photography, singing or creating something new makes me feel like I am tapping into my creative essence.  Creativity and the process of being creative are different for each of us. My suggestion is to just do something for you and just for the joy of it, without attachment to how skilled you are at the activity.  I also encourage you do choose something from your past, before you had children or when you were a child, that fed your creativity.

What activity causes you to lose track of all time?

 

 

What is Self Care?

Self-care is NOT about pampering. It’s about owning your personal power. It’s about self-worth and honoring the person you are.

I will focus this post on mothering and self-care not because I don’t think self-care is less important if you don’t have children, but because I think mothers tend to be the ones to let this be the first thing that goes.

The demands of mothering (nursing), particularly when your kids are young, are great.  Often, despite their good intentions, your partner or family members just don’t understand how much physical/emotional energy it takes to care for and nurse a newborn, or to take care of children, period.  The bottom line is that there are many times a mom needs to sleep and let the dishes go. More and more I’m starting to be able to recognize this and be okay with it.  Self-care was not something most of us were taught-it’s something we have to learn.

Maybe when you think of self-care, you have visions of pedicures and facials.  Indeed, physical self-care is a big part of the overall picture. But eliminating critical thinking, not over-scheduling, releasing the need to be perfect, hiring a babysitter for dates with your partner or yourself, saying no, refusing to do things our of guilt and giving yourself much-needed rest and downtime to refuel are also integral to total self-care.

It’s about nurturing yourself on all levels-physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually-so you can live, love and parent optimally.

The same love, gentle care and compassion we offer so generously to our little ones should be extended to ourselves as well. We teach our children about self-worth and honoring one’s value through our actions, not our words.  Modeling self-love and self-acceptance is the most effective way to have a powerful impact on a child’s self-esteem and how they view themselves.

Some examples:

Nourish your body by eating healthy and energizing foods

Get enough sleep

Exercise to replenish your energy and manage stress

Have kind, loving thoughts about yourself

Seek out support from a therapist, coach, or social worker

Journal

Go on a fun date alone or with your partner or organize a monthly girls’ night out

Take time to be by yourself to think or write

Meditate, pray or just reflect on what you’re grateful for

Do something creative: paint/draw/write/dance/sing

Read a good book

Almost any mother will share with you how pervasive ideals like “good mothers always put their families first”, “motherhood is pure bliss”, “you just have to let your body go when you become a mom”, or “good mothers are completely selfless”. These beliefs run deep. Realize this and be aware that the concept of self-care may feel foreign and difficult to embrace at first.

Amoreena Berg, MFT

Oakland

 

Who Needs Therapy?

Okay, I am a little biased about this topic, but I personally believe everyone needs therapy at some point in their lives.  All families have some sort of dysfunction, some just greater than others and life throws plenty of challenges your way. Self-knowledge is what helps you solve your problems. Sometimes we can get it on our own. But if your problem persists, and you can’t solve it, go to therapy. Therapy speeds up the process of gaining self-knowledge.

Sometimes you don’t know if it works.  Like in couples counseling it can stir issues up, but it works because it forces you to look at what you would need to change to save the marriage. Some people don’t want that change. So therapy can you  face the inevitable, faster. That’s what I mean by speeding things up..

But in NYC and LA, going to therapy is something to brag about. It’s like going to the gym. You are telling everyone, “Look! I take care of myself.” Really, going to a therapist serves like a good personal ad: “Look! I understand how to be with myself and other people.”

I live in Oakland and I realize that most of the world thinks therapy is only for people who are messed up.

Understanding why there is widespread misunderstanding about the usefulness of therapy is easy, though.

Just think: in general, the people who do well in therapy are very interested in understanding themselves and interesting in changing themselves to more effectively meet their goals. Then it makes sense: people in big cities are generally optimizers wanting things to be better and better and not generally content. People in smaller cities are generally content with what’s in front of them.

So look at your weaknesses and ask yourself how much they bother you. If you have not been able to overcome them (and you want to), then see a therapist.

Of course, maybe not everyone needs therapy. Maybe lots of people would prefer a more relaxed pace of self-discovery.

How smartphones can make you depressed

Staring at ‘addictive’ smartphones for too long can contribute to stress, depression and insomnia, a new study has revealed.

Cary Cooper, Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University, has warned the users to restrict their phone time as it can ‘numb the senses’.

“Staring at screens constantly takes you away from people and gives you a passive outlet where you don’t have to interact with the world or face your problems,” the Sun quoted Cooper as saying.

“Like television, the light draws you in and numbs your senses. It’s the exercise equivalent of treading water and can be both addictive and destructive in the way it occupies your mind without actually stimulating it.”

A survey conducted by pharmaceutical firm Bayer revealed that 28 per cent of women blamed smartphones such as iPhones and Blackberrys for ruining their sex lives.

Fanatically checking Facebook and emails can also lead to same kind of problems.

“Computer technologies can be addictive because they’re psychoactive — they alter mood and often trigger enjoyable feelings.”

“Being subjected to constant data smog or information overload presents the real risk of ignoring or forgetting the information you do need and being less in control of your life as a result.”

“Like using the elevator rather than the stairs simply because it seems easier, not using your brain to perform key cognitive and social functions can have a huge impact on emotional health,” he added.

How to disconnect?  That’s a difficult one in our “new” world!  It’s one I struggle with given most of my work is social media, writing blogs, and other computer work. I find it important to limit these activities an hour before bedtime.  Also if possible limit checking emails to only certain times of the day.  This isn’t possible for everyone, but if it is implement it! Take a vacation and unplug…better yet go somewhere where there is no computers or cell service available that way you have no choice! We now have to make an effort to limit ourselves and teach our children how important that is given they never had a world where all these technologies didn’t exist.

Amoreena Berg, MFT